Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

There is salvation for every soul.

Bernier turned in her chair, smiled, and shook their hands. Dana’s heart skipped a beat as she stood inches away from one of New York’s most glamorous and adored women.

Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.

With couture, you feel obligated to design something modern each season, but with Theyskens Theory, I don't question anything. I'm thinking of what I'd like to wear.

A fast is not a hunger strike. Fasting submits to God's commands. A hunger strike makes God submit to our demands.

Jesus Christ is, in the noblest and most perfect sense, the realized ideal of humanity.

If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could to-day.

I feel like having an actual taxidermy-ed mammal would get gross, like its hair would get dirty and stuff.

I was born in 1949 - which seems like a long time ago... Actually, it is a long time ago, when I think about it.