Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

His was the gaze of a high-end predator, throwing it's prey a seductive look, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

You can't fake listening. It shows.

Help me Cassius or I sink!

There's nothing more dangerous than a place that doesn't exist.

We Communists have to string along with the capitalists for a while. We need their agriculture and their technology.

Measured against the scale and momentum of the Soviet empire's challenge, the Reagan administration has failed, is failing, and without a dramatic change in strategy will continue to fail.

A quart of doubt to an ounce of truth is the safest brew.

Cherry trees will blossom every year; But I'll disappear for good, One of these days.

Low price is a great way to sell a commodity. That's not marketing though, that's efficiency.