Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I also did some jail time a few years ago. Spent a whole summer in jail reading books. I pumped a ton of new knowledge and new thinking into myself.

Thinking beyond the human condition often transcends us from it.

He tried not to laugh, but he wasn't good at controlling all the laughter that lived inside of him.

If we wish ourselves to be high, we should treat that which is over us as high.

We don't get offered crises, they arrive.

It is generally the man who is not ready to argue, who is ready to sneer.

Be ever on your guard what you say of anybody and to whom.

Usually the modest person passes for someone reserved, the silent for a sullen person

But I don't believe anyone begins a homosexual.

If you can get a twelve year-old kid to go listen to Thelonius Monk, what more do you want? Do you want a big pile of cash, too? That's a home run for me.