Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plate.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Um, she'll take your number if you're single

Anger is a good motivator.

And I love kick boxing. It's a lot of fun. It gives you a lot of confidence when you can kick somebody in the head.

Courage is one thing that no one can ever take away from you.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

Trump's victory is an opportunity for Israel to immediately retract the notion of a Palestinian state.

Those huckleberries in the National League don't want to do anything that the American League wants to do.

I have thought a sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.

Will Smith is young, hes cool and my kids have his CDs.

He who is good is happy.