Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday, I was there for every major event.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

Beside her I felt grey, like she had all the colours I'd ever need.

Know that joy is rarer, more difficult, and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation.

Centrally planned economies are upended by out of control population. Their escape valve is eugenics.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

And you know what it is? San Francisco a golden handcuff with the key thrown away.

Well, for someone who looks like me you wonder where Alfred Hitchcock is.

When the mind forgets the purpose of Christian life, then even the clear fulfillment of virtue becomes profitless.

What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension.

Avoid 'shoulding' on others and yourself!

There's a certain class of people who will do you in and then remain completely mystified by the depth of your pain.