Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Silence gives you freedom to talk yourself fearlessly

We carry secrets under our skin like shrapnel. Our surface wounds heal, but the damage festers underneath while we worry what tiny pieces will work their way to the surface for the world to see.

I'm a big proponent of letting songs tell me what they wanna sound like.

There are no fortresses that Bolsheviks cannot storm.

Woo-hoo! I'm 40. I can say that now.

The deadliest of all deadly things: It kills you both when you have it and when you don’t.

About specific social issues, there is a great deal to say that departs very far from truism and is, accordingly, significant and controversial.

I like doing food as a focal point on my table. It is not like going out and buying flowers or candles, which are expensive.

C'mon, Tabitha. You stabbed me the night we met without even blinking. (Valerius) Yeah, but you were a dirtbag then. (Tabitha) I think I'm offended. (Valerius)

'Capitalism' is a dirty word for many intellectuals, but there are a number of studies showing that open economies and free trade are negatively correlated with genocide and war.