Favorite color: I hate colors.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

I know what love is: Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall, Romeo and Juliet, Jackie and John and Marilyn.

I don't like people who speak French in public places. This includes the French.

Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like 'Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.

Never ask a woman why she's angry at you. She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she'll tell you. Both ways, you lose.

Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack. Our literature, culture, and the films of Woody Allen would be better today if Freud had never written a word.

They don't produce anything. All they do is guide you through the labyrinth of the legal system that they created - and they keep changing it just in case you start to catch on.

Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic.

Men want to put their signature at the bottom; women don't want to finish that letter.

The word relationship best refers to the connection between parasite and host, or shark and remora. It's a biological term. I'd rather be a jerk than a scientist when it comes to love.

Without hardships, how could we know hope?

oh, how bitterhow bitter silentthe bewildered sorrowof a texture too thickto be brought outthrough the eyes.

Let's face it: in advertising, you are paid more, but you die younger. It's not very forgiving. Like sports stars, you're in it during your better years, and then you're out looking for work.

The purpose of Compulsory Education is to deprive the common people of their commonsense.

You keep insisting, I feel good because the world is right! Wrong! The world is right because I feel good. That's what all the mystics are saying.

We did phenomenally well with young people. I think we did well with working class people.

Standing up to your government can mean standing up for your country.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine.

We always try to interpret things in accordance with what we want and not as they are.