Feminazis have adopted abortion as a kind of sacrament for their religion/politics of alienation and bitterness.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

I’ve been chasing you since before I knew what chasing a girl meant.

Happiness is the perpetual possession of being well deceived.

Frankly, I love my independence too much to give it up.

He's right: They have to put madmen with madmen.

From contact comes feeling. From feeling comes reaction. This is what keeps us in the cycle of birth and death. Our reactions to our feelings are our passport to rebirth.

I don't know what's waiting for us when we die--something better, something worse. I only know I'm not ready to find out yet.

I was tired of an outlaw's life.

If you aren't confused by quantum mechanics, you haven't really understood it.

Plus, according to my mother, memories change like people do, especially if there's enough alcohol involved-Aphrodite

I'm trying to, with my stand-up and with the podcast, give people these little stupid things to give them happiness. I know that sounds lofty or like I'm starting a cult, but I kind of feel that way.