Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Humans are more dependent on learning for survival than other species, We have no instincts that automatically find us food and shelter !

While men compete in war, there will be warriors. While there are warriors, there will be princes among warriors. Among the princes will be kings, and among the kings an emperor.

I’m a huge fan of the program Democracy Now, which is hosted by Amy Goodman, and I subscribe to the podcast.

A moment's reflection shows that Liberalism is entirely negative. It is not a formative force, but always and only a disintegrating force.

It is in vain, I perceive, to look for ease and happiness in a world of troubles.

In youth, the absense of pleasure is pain, in old age, the absence of pain is pleasure.

L.A.: Come on vacation, go home on probation.

When Rolling Stone handed me this crazy assignment to be in the studio with James Brown, they had the misapprehension that I'd written for them already just because I claimed my character had.

I'm not going to sit here and argue with you. Just PUT THE BLOODY METER ON.

I'm also all about comfort. Just hanging out and wearing jeans or sweats.