Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

People say- 'NASA lies.' I say- 'the moon knows it all. Look at the moon and forget the spinning flat world.

I love death because life hates me.

There was something else I couldn't quite define--something that made me uneasy. We were a wrong fit, like unmatching puzzle pieces.

Leaders who nurture followers to be leaders, keep leading even when they retire, and they keep winning the admiration of leading leaders

Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.

....avoid roasted cabbage, do not eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!" -Angela

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It was certainly an accident, an accident caused by a series of circumstances and coincidences

It's clearly more important to treat one's fellow man well than to be always praying and fasting and touching one's head to a prayer mat.

You do the best you can. But it's hard. When I find things egregiously misrepresentative of women, I'll make a point to say to my son, "Turn that off. I don't want to see women behave that way.