Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

The quality of the product is inseparable from the quality of its parts.

When his enthusiasm goes he's through as a player.

Fame is a pearl many dive for and only a few bring up. Even when they do it is not perfect and they sigh for more and lose better things in struggling for them.

Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.

Give everyone a chance to have a piece of the pie. If the pie's not big enough, make a bigger pie.

I'm a carb queen. I'll always order macaroni and cheese, but I don't want it to be fancy. I want it to be as close to Kraft Services as it can possibly get!

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

I believe - deeply and profoundly - that speculation is a loser's game.

I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.

It is essential to release humanity from the false fixations of yesterday which seem now to bind it to a rationale of action leading only to extinction.