Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I don't think we can solve the outside problemsuntil we solve the ones within.

There's one best thing about childhood our genuine smile...

Being a teen idol is what I've waited for my whole life.

I watched every single Charlie Chaplin film.

The love of weaponry is often a manifestation of infantile traits in an adult.

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

I’ve never seen the need to choose one type of music at the exclusion of another. That would feel kind of sad and arbitrary.

No one really has a bad life. Not even a bad day. Just bad moments.

If you are creative enough to imagine a problem, you're clever enough to discover a solution.

When feeling is divested of the feeler and the felt, it shines as love; when seeing is divested of the seer and the seen, it shines as beauty.