Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Clothes are but little loss, if you escape from drowning.

A well-adjusted person wouldn't talk much. There's not a lot to be said about most of life. Most days, weeks, years, lives, nothing happens... and still we carry on chattering at each other.

The Declaration of Independence I always considered as a theatrical show. Jefferson ran away with all the stage effect of that... and all the glory of it.

Clever talk can confound the workings of virtue, just as small impatiences can confound great projects.

Who's going to ask a painter to see a diploma? They'd say, 'Can I see your paintings?', wouldn't they?

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

I'm a benevolent dictator.

It's tough to strike out. Believe me. I hate striking out. It's no fun. It's embarrassing. But there really isn't anything I can do. It's just a part of my game.

There have existed, in every age and every country, two distinct orders of men - the lovers of freedom and the devoted advocates of power.

Moving on is easy what your leaving behind is what makes it hard.