First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.

I do not mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.

If you bring forth what is within you what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough.

A first principle not formally recognized by scientific methodologists: when you run into something interesting, drop everything else and study it.

At any given period in history the ideas of the common mind are found to antedate the facts. The facts of the twentieth century are approached with the ideas, feelings, prejudices of the tenth.

I just got my phone back yesterday. My mom had it for two days. I was supposed to read a book and I really wanted to play Call Of Duty.

Until you expose the cancer, you can't fix it.

A writer's brain is like a magician's hat. If you're going to get anything out of it, you have to put something in it first.

I see, I know, I believe, I am undeceived.