Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.

You can start now and make a new great ending.

And the heart sounds like a sour conch, calls, oh sea, oh lament, oh molten panic, scattered in the unlucky and disheveled waves:the sea reports sonorouslyon its languid shadows, its green poppies.

Just when the gods had ceased to be, and the Christ had not yet come, there was a unique moment in history, between Cicero and Marcus Aurelius, when man stood alone.

... Whenever the man of science introduces his personal value judgment, a full understanding of the facts ceases.

For many years I wanted to do a film, but I never had the courage to clear my desk and say, 'OK I'll take a year off and do a film.'

I can't think in terms of journalism without thinking in terms of political ends. Unless there's been a reaction, there's been no journalism. It's cause and effect.

You gotta be able to explain things to yourself when the lights go off and you get in the bed. You gotta deal with you at the end of the day.

You cannot succeed in one department of life while cheating on another, life is an indivisible whole.

In science, each new result, sometimes quite surprising, heralds a step forward and allows one to discard some hypotheses, even though one or two of these might have been highly favored.