Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Stop blaming and start being!

Critics have a job to do. They do not criticize you without reason.

Learn from the beasts the physic of the field.

And Thought leapt out to wed with Thought Ere Thought could wed itself with Speech.

How was I supposed to know what's real and what's not? It feels like I'm the only one who doesn't know the difference.

Stick to what's in front of you - idea, action, utterance.

The profoundest thought or passion sleeps as in a mine, until an equal mind and heart finds and publishes it.

I think President's candidates need shock collars or something.

To really enjoy pleasures, you must know how to leave them.

There ought to be a law against necessity.