Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Wisdom is justified by all her children.Luke 7:35

If you want to be extremely important in people's lives, give them extremely good services they can't find anywhere else

Man is mortal

Forgiveness is empowering for the forgiver. Years of resentment, frustration, and pain are set FREE!

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? 'Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?'

I'm a family man. I personally started 3 or 4 families last year.

Conditioning is my best weapon.

Man's record upon this wild world is the record of work, and of work alone.

I believe that we're as happy in life as we make up our minds to be.

we train for war and fight to win.