For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

They are the living dead and we have many of those among us, spending their days whining and complaining and never making any attempt to change their lives for the better.

You have to push through every difficulty to have a breakthrough.

Got no place to go, but there's a girl waitin' for me down in Mexico. She got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin, and if I bring a little music, I could fit right in.

If you can get out there and say I'm going to...I'm willing to fail at what I feel is right, that's it.

I've never had a huge collection of records; I've never been a beat digga.

My ancestors were Freethinkers - and that's what I am, except we're called secular humanists now.

Danny Trejo is so bloody cool, I mean, he can just stand there and look cool.

Modern psychology has pointed to the need of educating people to use a much larger portion of the mind. Transcendental meditation fulfills this need. And it can be taught very easily.

In a lot of places, of course, the '80s had never really come to an end.

Art is not nature... There was a lot more to be got out of color.