For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

He that will learn to pray let him go to sea.

The ESPYS are about appreciating moments in sports and not looking down on it because it's maybe not your favorite athlete or your favorite team.

God made me the way I am and I accept myself. I am who I am and I'm proud of myself.

Adult bats don't weigh much. They're mainly fur and appetite.

I have only one eye, I have a right to be blind sometimes... I really do not see the signal!

Without language we would have no reason, without reason no religion, and without these three essential aspects of our nature, neither mind nor bond of society.

The Jungle Bush Beaters didn't last too long as a group, but we had a pretty good time while we did.

I would read fishing reports on the road and then it just occurred to me: I should go to sea school and get my captain's license, see if I can get paid to be out here every day.

I love the underdog stories. I love people who refuse to give up.

Taboos on the human heart are more dangerous than any risk we run by using our emotions. Sensation is the life of man; it is his actual energy. To suppress it is to lose creative power!