For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

When men have come to the edge of a precipice, it is the lover of life who has the spirit to leap backwards, and only the pessimist who continues to believe in progress.

Danger past, God is forgotten.

A Christian's mentality should be radically different from that of others in the community.

Nyree taught me not to trust anyone but Steve quickly corrected that lesson and taught me not to trust everyone.

Seeker of truth follow no path all paths lead where truth is here.

Real spirituality and love is always manifest. It always goes to those who are with us and around us.

Many ... have tremendous God-given gifts, but they don't focus on the development of those gifts. Who are these individuals? You've never heard of them- and you never will .

Happiness for me is getting to write about the most important things I know.

And there'd be no more jokes in Music-halls To mock the riddled corpses round Bapaume.

Feminism justified female victim power by convincing the world that we lived in a sexist, male-dominated, and patriarchal world.