For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Many much-learned men have no intelligence.

I don't fall often, but I fall hard. And when you fall hard, it takes a while to get up.

Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness to separateness, creating a constant rhythm.

We've done exactly what we've wanted. We never compromised to anyone and still managed to have a successful thing. I don't take that lightly. Yeah, we're really lucky to have had that.

My God, what have we done?

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

Our behavior toward others is often a reflection of our treatment of ourselves.

In reality, it's much easier not to smoke or eat chocolate than to do so. It's your mind that convinces you otherwise.

There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom.