For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

The most stupid religion is Islam.

I have always disliked the fierce competitive spirit embodied in that highly intellectual game.

Behind every problem in your life is a rich blessing.

When I see three balls, I just swing at the middle one.

Because if you're going to lose, lose. I'm serious.

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen?

In order to discover truth, we must be truthful ourselves, and must welcome those who point out our errors as heartily as those who approve and confirm our discoveries.

Each museum is different - the collection is different, the context is different, the relationship between the art and architecture is different.