For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

We make a mockery of God’s forgiveness when we deliberately engage in sin because we think He will forgive it later.

Disrespecting disrespect is not disrespect

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

Security is a false god begin making sacrifices to it and you are lost.

Studies of reconciliation in primates have demonstrated that if the relationship value increases between two parties they are more willing to make peace.

Moods should be heard but never danced to.

There's nothing like a love song to give you a good laugh.

When I was turning 40, I felt that there were no books out there that hit the spot in terms of what I wanted to read.

What problems?" "Well for starters.. you're an evil duck killer.

I embrace the idea that I'm an entertainer.