For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

Millions saw the apple fall, Newton was the only one who asked why?

When I dare to be powerful--to use my strength in the service of my vision--then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Testing leads to failure, and failure leads to understanding.

Halloween isn't the only time for ghosts and ghost stories. In Victorian Britain, spooky winter's tales were part of the Christmas season, often told after dinner, over port or coffee.

Joining Real Madrid is a dream come true.

Essentially any history we have is just a history of aristocrats. We don't have any history of people.

Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.

The main riff for 'SandMan' was just something I wrote one night.

Family is essential because we all yearn to feel like we belong to something greater than ourselves.

Trump's the only person that can possibly beat Hillary Clinton, and if you don't support that, then you own it. You're gonna be a partial owner of the Clinton administration.