For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

... no matter how we go about it, we are never poorer for the experiences that teach us how to write our own manuals.

Life went on. Death went on. The war went on.

Teachers, you don't teach a subject, you teach a child.

Perhaps we have been guilty of some terminological inexactitudes.

But it does not tell you this: that love will turn the whole world into something greater than itself.

I am almost six-novels-old. It took me until the third novel to call myself a writer.

In a world in which the total of human knowledge is doubling about every ten years, our security can rest only on our ability to learn

I try to get over to Iraq and Afghanistan as much as I can.

Gratitude’s got a short half-life, Clarice.