For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity - I just don't want to do that.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Unrequited love is a ridiculous state that makes you try to convince your heart of something your mind knows is a lie!

You can't be conferred with a glory you never configured your mind to come to.

Bitterness is a nonproductive, toxic emotion, usually resulting from resentment over unmet needs.

There are only two things to write about: life and death.

He who knoweth the reader, doeth nothing more for the reader. Another century of readers - and spirit itself will stink.

All writers are the same - they forget a thousand good reviews and remember one bad one.

The last time you were happy about nothing; the first time you were afraid about nothing. Which came first?

I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Continuity holds the best writer hostage of the worst.

After I finish PO5, I would like to get a dog. I want to be able to spend more time with my pet, and I don't have the time right now.