For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

... why I like timetables, because they make sure I don't get lost in time.

The willingness to show up changes us, It makes us a little braver each time.

Mathematics takes us still further from what is human into the region of absolute necessity, to which not only the actual world, but ever possible world, must conform.

In God alone, essence (what He is) and existence (that he is) coincide.

Pride gets into the Coach, and Shame mounts behind.

What I really do is make portraits of the soul.

Peace is a costly privilege-to be fought for, attained and won. It comes only from a conquered mind.

Society in shipwreck is comfort to all.

The greatest answer to prayer is that I am brought into a perfect understanding with God, and that alters my view of actual things.

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, Who do you think you are?