For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself.

I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

K is for "Kenghis Khan"; He was a very nice person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere.

In these days of widespread illiteracy, functional illiteracy... anything that keeps people stupid is a felony.

The world is turning into a cesspool of imbeciles.

You must never be afraid to go there.

They minute people fall in love they become liars.

Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste?

If you carry offense in your heart, it is too early for you to start your team

Feed a squirrel and he'll leave you alone every day.

Unlove's the heavenless hell and the homeless home.

Cooperation for mutual benefit, a survival strategy very common in natural systems, is one that humanity needs to emulate.

Yeah, I really like being alive. But I definitely don't have any intentions as an artist.

In a sense Toronto feels like home to me.

My mom was the picture of the blue-collar mom: Two and three and four jobs to make sure that me and my sister never needed, that was her thing

Parents test our patience more than anyone else...Being around them keeps you in check...that's what keeps you humbled.

The best thing you can do for someone is make them a beautiful plate of food. How else can you invade someone's body without actually touching them?

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.