For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The person may have a scar, but it also means they have a story

They shot one of ours.” The lines deepened around his grey eyes. “I’d waste the whole army for spilling a drop of my crew’s blood.

A dalliance with poetry before we dance.

I do not hope somebody breaks in. However, if they did, I pity them. I pity the fool that breaks into my house.

It was as though in these last minutes together - when they had so much to say - they could say nothing of the least significance, for fear it open the floodgates.

The muses crown virtue when fortune refuses to do it.

You need bruises to know blessings and I have known both.

In California, it's hard to buy all the media, no matter how much money you raise or spend, because it's such a huge state.

Play until it's time to rest, then rest until it's time to play.

When two souls have finally found each other, there is established between them a union which begins on earth and continues forever in heaven.