For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.

The world is not your enemy

Some people have to leave your life because their very presence prevents, perverts & distorts your purpose. Don't be afraid to let go.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Magic is 10% secrets and 90% presentation. Mentalism is 5% secrets and 95% presentation.

I would... learn how to drive... have a nice car... and drive it.

Sometimes people don't have to make you love them...you just do, and there's no help for it.

We have enormous challenges in front of us.

It's the persona that makes you a leading actor. A leading actor has something extra that's fun to watch. But it isn't usually about acting.