For years I thought my father was a hunchback. Turns out he didn't know suspenders were adjustable.

Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

Make sure the job you select complements your personal life the best.

Finding is for things that are lost. You don't need to find me, Mayor.

You know Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head." - spoken by my mother after I eloped with a guy I'd known for about a month, when I was 18 years old!

I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

Writing is fifty years behind painting.

Pity costs nothing, and it ain't worth nothing.

We have built no temple but the Capitol. We consult no common oracle but the Constitution.

You know what my greatest personal stumbling block is? My shyness.

I wouldn't say that I was an actress. I tried to be an actress. I really didn't have the gift.