For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

The world was made in order to result in a beautiful book.

Brevity - the sister of talent.

I don't suffer from a mental illness, I live with it.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Of course I had a piece of luck I couldn't have imagine for myself in a million years: I got an agent. That sped up the process. I'd say it's a good idea, getting an agent.

I would like to think of Badfinger's music as mood music. Something with a bit of feeling, whether it's hard or soft.

I always find what I want. But when I find it, I don't want it any more.

I can't drink. I have too much to lose. I can't lose my job over something I can stop.

What can be heavier than wealth than freedom?

I don't blame the players, I don't blame the parents, I blame programs and I blame the coaches.