Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Many times in life, those who do the most correcting, need the most correcting.

Our real nature is not our imaginary, limited ego. Our true nature is vast, all-comprehensive, and intangible as empty space.

Go to Venice. Find Scorpia. And you will find your destiny.

Some of us, for better or worse, develop very stable, consistent, and largely predictable machineries of self. But in others, the self machinery is more flexible and more open to unexpected turns.

Existence came from God; death came by Adam; and immortality and eternal life come through Christ.

Hell hath no fury like a hustler with a literary agent.

The universe is a giant perceptual matrix. It perceives itself through its substance

A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line.

The MTV Video Awards were never about the video, but about the song. Most of the time it was just to glorify people for the wrong reason.

The way I write is totally instinctive. I just write what I feel or what I find funny - and hope everyone else agrees.