Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

My world was the size of a crayon box, and it took every colour to draw her

How much is your sincerity, that much will be ‘Our’ divine grace (krupa). This is the measure of grace.

Loss is a knife, constantly cutting, but over time the blade dulls, and the cuts aren't as sharp. It's always there in the drawer, but you realize it doesn't cut as deeply anymore.

I'm really not good blackmail material.

What you can do is a matter of what you will do.

Terrorism is nothing new. Lots of terrorist attacks are nothing new, but we pay a lot more attention to them today.

In England you laugh at yourselves, in France we laugh at others.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

I always had a dream to someday own an NBA team.

Success is all about having the confidence to shoot for something even if it seems impossible.