Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Work was like a stick. It had two ends. When you worked for the knowing you gave them quality

I want to emphasize the idea of black as intellectuality and conventionality.

Do you remember how electrical currents and 'unseen waves' were laughed at? The knowledge about man is still in its infancy.

Dancing is like making love. It has to be a harmony; it has to be about two bodies. When one is like, "I am the good one," it doesn't work.

The love of God is no mere sentimental feeling; it is redemptive power!

Zen is a very quick path. Zen is the path of meditation. The word Zen means emptiness or fullness, meditation. Meditation is the quickest path to enlightenment.

Discipline, Norah. If you're going to taunt them, remember to stick out your tongue.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

And never since harvests were ripened, / Or laborers born, / Have men gathered figs of the thistle, / Or grapes of the thorn!

If you carry your cross joyfully, it will carry you.