Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

When we meet grace, it becomes the fuel of our faith. We pray, we read our Bibles, we worship and we live the purest lifestyle we can because we love a person.

Work ... has always been my favorite form of recreation.

Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?

Happiness is being married to your best friend.

Microsoft Products are Generally Bug Free

I learned that the world doesn't want to be saved, and it will f**king punch you in the face if you try.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

An undertaking beset with danger.

(I am) dealing not with the particular anecdote, but rather with the Spirit of Myth, which is generic to all myths at all times.

Ruin looks us in the face if we judge a man by his position instead of judging him by his conduct in that position.