Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

For two days I went about my business. I travelled the globe as always, handing souls to the conveyor belt of eternity.

Close your eyes and stare into the dark.

Circumstances will never determine your amount of happiness. Circumstances only highlight who you already are.

Go is no Erlang, Smalltalk or Scheme, nothing pure. But it works great and is fun!

The essence of kitsch is the confusion of ethical and esthetic categories; kitsch wants to produce not the "good" but the "beautiful."

I've always wanted to like, swim in a swimming pool filled with peanut butter

Creating Your Character is Like an Artist Creating a Sculpture

The second time around I'll understand that, as a husband, my wife doesn't care about my opinions. I just need to tell her the things that will continue to help me stack the brownie points.

Every where I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded.

Ayn Rand is a bloody socialist compared to me.