Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.

Loneliness is my worst enemy, but in the end he's usually my only real friend.

Closing one's ears to the complaints of partisans would also entail closing one's mind to the substance of their arguments.

The way to keep weeds from overwhelming you is to deal with them constantly and in their early stages.

There is only one sort of discipline, perfect discipline.

Men are not narrow in their intellectual interests by nature; it takes special and rigorous training to accomplish that end.

I am not well educated or bright enough to be politically clued in, but I hope in the film that I'm going to shock a few people, win a lot of people over.

Take your vitamins. Don't drink vodka. Get used to empire waistlines.

They don't respect us, so let's surprise them, we'll drop the big one, pulverize them.

You never know what your opportunities are going to be.