Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Assassination is an art, milord. And I am the city's most accomplished artist.

No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.

You areBut why?

I already knew the next story that I was going to rewrite from the beginning. Mine.

Organized religions in general, in my opinion, are dying forms.

Be very clear as to what your dream is. Nowadays it is fairly certain that 90 percent of all actors really just want to be rich and famous as the solution to all that ails.

I wasn't a club kid. I wasn't an artist. I was just a foreigner, trying to soak it all up. I had quite a lot of fun.

It is no coincidence that the American hunter is the most patriotic of all our citizens. Who cares more for this land's beauties than he?

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

Will you be?” I asked, suddenly anxious. “Will you really be here?” “As long as you want me,” he assured me. “I'll always want you,” I warned him. “Forever.