From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.

...a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something.

Kindness is the ability to love someone in such a way that she will remember your kindness for the rest of her life.

Ah how steadily do they who are guilty shrink from reproof!

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

God surrounded me with the right team, with the team that I needed to help me exercise all of my ideas. You need that. You need that army, you need that force.

The same fire that cooks a meal for us may burn a child, and it is no fault of the fire if it does so; the difference lies in the way in which it is used.

I believe in being a motivator.

The nation will find it very hard to look up to the leaders who are keeping their ears to the ground.

Bipartisanship helps to avoid extremes and imbalances. It causes compromises and accommodations. So let's cooperate.