From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

As if men did not die fast enough, they are ingenious at finding out ways to destroy one another.

We have to let go of mistakes we can no longer do anything about and move forward with clarity, focus on positivity.

I believe in peace through strength.

Also, most people read fiction as an escape - and I wonder whether my books aren't a bit too grounded in reality to reach the widest possible audience.

Wars aren't stopped by fighting wars, any more than you can fight fire with fire. You fight fire with water. You fight violence with nonviolence.

Study your strengths; then decide how hard you want to work

And the insidious thing is that people will either see a movie because it did well last weekend or won't see it because it didn't do well.

The only constant is change, and the rate of change is increasing.

The Christian life is to live all of your life in the presence of God.

The comfort of our peer-connections is reflected in our most honest and direct hand-holding. When we trip, they are the first ones to pull us back up.