Funny is an attitude.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Time is a valuable treasure.

The question of bread for myself is a material question, but the question of bread for my neighbor is a spiritual question.

Nothing happens unless first we dream.

My family background was deeply Christian.

One needs more than ambition and talent to make a success of anything, really. There must be love and a vocation.

I don't think I'm portrayed in the media the way I really am - but then who is?

The more I work the happier I am.

Students do everything on laptops these days, so I definitely think electronic books are a trend that's going to expand.

After three failed marriages, I know what its like to be replaced. So thats kind of how Joey Harrington must feel today. ... A former No. 1 choice looks to me like hes going to be a bust in Detroit.

I would rather make my name than inherit it.