Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

That all men are equal is a proposition which at ordinary times no sane individual has ever given his assent.

The solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Let's not let the government sell us out. Let's fight for net neutrality.

As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing.

When men change, maybe Bond will change.

When some fellers decide to retire nobody knows the difference.

There ought t'be some way t'eat celery so it wouldn't sound like you wuz steppin' on a basket.

If I was traded to the Giants, I'd quit baseball

I lived my twenties in a very public manner and if anyone's twenties are documented it's not always going to be pretty.

It's easy to be beautiful - just be born that way.