Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Your path is illuminated by a road-map of stars. I am here to guide you!

He ended the world because it was not to his liking and here I am challenging the same monster for a fifteen-year-old rat from the slums

Wanna see how creepy I can be?"-Mr Teatime

If you overpower your enemy, then pardon him by way of thankfulness to Allah, for being able to subdue him.

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

Donald Trump's a businessman, he's a very successful businessman. I think he's a marketing genius.

Do not try to be what you are not, be what you are. The Universe has a built in truth recognizer, what ever is false about you, it will expose to light, either through you or others, pay attention.

Dogs are easy. If their tails are up and their eyes are soft, you're in.

The only thing that we have earned at the hands of perfect justice is perfect punishment.

Life is, I think, a blunder and a shame.