Gags die, humor doesn't.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Inelegantly, and without my consent, time passed.

This is the most beautiful thing in The Shack story, that Jesus can be just a friend, someone who can carry you, and you can trust him. I like that.

We are a people trying not only to solve the problems of the present: unemployment, inflation... but we are attempting on a larger scale to fulfill the promise of America.

We will not, therefore, lose our time praying to an imaginary god for things which our own exertions alone can procure.

Sometimes I thank God... for cheeseburgers.

What a mercy was it to us to have parents that prayed for us before they had us, as well as in our infancy when we could not pray for ourselves!

The enemy is never more unnerving than when he's invisible.

Peter Sellers constantly reinvented himself.

I think art is about human existence. Almost by default I'm expressing my experiences as a human.

Marketing begins before the product is launched.