George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Just because you know it [my past]... doesn't mean that my wounds are a weight you have to carry. ~Kurogane-san

When it comes to the stage, I can't help but be inspired by people like George Clinton, Elton John and Alice Cooper.

Cezanne is the Christopher Columbus of a new continent of form.

The person most in control is the person who can give up control.

The average man does not get pleasure out of an idea because he thinks it is true; he thinks it is true because he gets pleasure out of it.

Think only what is right there, what is right under your nose to do. It's such a simple thing - that's why people can't do it.

Science disembodies; art embodies.

I totally alienated some reporters as I retreated.

The other guys, all they have to do is use their big butts and big python arms to hit homers. Me, I'm the little guy in the group. People always root for the little guy.

The world is about the way in which our dreams intersect with our real life. Endlessly, the world of the imagination changes the world.