George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

In strength the body only knows itself, is full of itself, its movements, its words, but in weakness is the invisible and the whisperings.

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

Where you come from, what you look like, and what your past holds do not define you as an individual--you are what you make yourself to be.

No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was in high school.

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.

No matter what our circumstances, our greatest limitation isn't the leader above us - it's the spirit within us.

I believe verbal felicity is the fruit of ardor, of diligence, and of refusing to be false.

One of them hung a pink bra from our lighting fixture. I left it there. It was a nice bra

The Kingdom of Heaven, O man, requires no other price than yourself. The value of it is yourself. Give yourself for it and you shall have it.

The race will go to the curious, the slightly mad, and those with an un-satiated passion for learning and dare-deviltry.