George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

In the pursuit of breaking free from all the shackles of man-made bondages, science is the most effective tool we have till this date.

Having collected enough information concerning your topic, you will be able to achieve your dream

Through silence only the good messages go unheard.

My father had very little formal education.

The mature person meets the demands of life, while the immature person demands that life meet her demands.

I find people who want to help other people to be the most interesting. I come from a family of teachers, and my friends are teachers, often times in very difficult school situations.

After a Christmas comes a Lent.

Think beyond the pain. Think beyond the difficulty. Commit to having one good idea every day. What new idea will you claim today?

Reading gave me hope.

You know, whenever I was presented with a challenge that brought up feelings of fear or self-doubt, I almost always said, 'Yes'.