Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

The way to make your dreams come true is to start believing in them.

The stupidest man I ever met had a favourite saying. It was: 'What do you think I am, stupid, or something?

Fascism is the stage reached after communism has proved an illusion.

Women are our most miraculous muse, an enchanted intangibility that encourages all art.

Art reaches its greatest peak when devoid of self-consciousn ess.

The reason there are so many tree-lined boulevards in Paris is so the German army can march in the shade.

That fact that Athens could condemn its noblest citizen to death did more than make a profound impression on him. It was to shape the course of his entire philosophic endeavor.

To the extent that your work takes into account the needs of the world, it will be menaingful; to the extent that through it you express your unique talents, it will be joyful.

All fantasy should have a solid base in reality.

When people ask me for an autograph I usually ask for a pen and then stab them with it.