Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I have learnt that we expect honesty and genuineness from others, while not being honest and genuine with our own self.

Insanity on top of insanity. Even the voices in his head were hearing voices. Nice.

A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there.

... in nine out of ten cases the original wish to write is the wish to make oneself felt[ellipsis in source] the non-essential writer never gets past that wish.

I don't consider myself, you know, in real life one of those funny guys. My comedy comes through my work.

The amount of grace I would expect from God should be equal to the amount of grace I can gather or earn. I get out what I put in.

Democracy the domination of unreflective and timorous men, moved in vast herds by mob conditions.

Every person, on coming to the knowledge of himself, is not only urged to seek God, but is also led as by the hand to find Him.

The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangover

Fairness is not the end result, it's the opportunity. And everybody in America today has the opportunity to get ahead.